Parabola — cover art: a stern bear in a security guard's uniform manning a velvet-roped airport checkpoint, a long winding caterpillar-shaped line of small animal passengers behind. 📚

2006 · Stevey's Blog Rants · Parable

“'Why couldn't they have written you in JavaScript!'”
— From Parabola, December 2006
Read the essay

© 2006 Steve Yegge. Originally published at Stevey's Blog Rants.

Author’s note

A short story from 2006 that I completely forgot about writing until I put this website together, twenty years later. It has exactly one plot twist, so... not much of a story. But I sure was angry about how crummy Java was back then.

Don't read the AI notes if you don't want spoilers.

AI Notes

A short story arguing a point about type safety. The guard at the airport security gate is named T.S. — Type Safety — and he's spent twenty-two years memorizing a thick blue rulebook that grew, special case by special case, every time a desperate passenger found a hole in it. A frantic woman named Anushri rushes up with a handwritten note from the ticket counter: her husband is in the E.R., the Red Cross has put her on the flight that boards in ten minutes. T.S. doesn't take the note — handwritten notes aren't credentials. The other passengers in the queue turn out to be programmers, and they start trying to help the only way they know: have you tried the debugger? A back port? Reflection? Just rebooting? Anushri interrogates T.S.'s interface — checkCredentials, denyAccess, getVersionString… — looking for a unit-test hook, a substitution point, any seam she can pry open. There isn't one. T.S. is a production system without a test API. They solve it in the end by disassembling the entire caterpillar and stepping out of the line, so the gate has nothing to refuse her at.

The same argument as Execution in the Kingdom of Nouns and Is Weak Typing Strong Enough?, recast as a short story. Its point: the only way past a strongly-typed system that wasn't designed for your case is to redesign the call site around it.

Related listings

  • 2006

    Execution in the Kingdom of Nouns

    The other 2006 piece making the same case against Java's noun-heavy world, but as straight allegory rather than parable. Read together: Kingdom of Nouns describes the country; Parabola shows a single afternoon inside it.

  • 2005

    Is Weak Typing Strong Enough?

    Steve's argument-form essay on the same theme a year earlier — duck typing versus strict static typing. Parabola is what happens when the argument grows up and decides to tell a story instead.

  • 2008

    Dynamic Languages Strike Back

    The Stanford talk where Steve made the public case for dynamic languages two years after this parable was written. T.S. the security guard is the cartoon version of every argument in the talk.