I take it all back! Send me your money! — cover art: a panda holding a gleaming silver typewriter-style keyboard aloft like a hero's sword in a warm workshop.

2006 · Stevey's Blog Rants · Rant

“Essay Molasses is a time-delay on a meme that would otherwise spread rapidly, but because the idea is encoded in an essay from a relatively unknown author, most people aren't going to read it until it seems everyone else has read it.”
— From I take it all back! Send me your money!, December 2006
Read the essay

© 2006 Steve Yegge. Originally published at Stevey's Blog Rants.

Author’s note

This is the third and final post in the epic "Good Agile, Bad Agile" series. In it, I conclude that I underestimated how much money is in consulting, and decided I was going to go be a consultant after all. Amusingly, I took myself up on that offer, 20 years later.

I found this was a surprisingly good read for an alleged throwaway post. It unfortunately goes on way too long at the end, and skimming that part works as well as reading it.

But this is the first serious explanation I've given as to why my blog posts are all around the same length (later discovered to be 4k words). I call the phenomenon Essay Molasses. I have given justifications in other posts, too, but I thought this was one of the more creative ones.

This post is also where I tell the story of how I became famous essentially overnight in early 2006, but not for a single blog post. It was for all of them at once—all the Drunken Blog Rants from my Amazon days, which I had published publicly 6 months prior, and Reddit had just discovered. Fun times.

AI Notes

The 2006 year-end post, flagged in the first line as "today's post is crap!" — which is both true and the point. Half "hello, I'm still alive" ping (he opens joking that rumour has him eaten by Godzilla or lost in a Google room full of doughnuts) and half an attempt to finally close out the Agile trilogy. The promised grand finale never jells, so Steve dumps it as raw fragments: a fake Karl-Marx-to-Stalin corporate memo, mock point-by-point replies to commenters that produce the title gag, and the charge that Agile is "just the Church of Me-Too." Buried in the rubble are two keepers. Essay Molasses — Steve's coined term for the six-to-eight-month delay before an essay's ideas actually spread, because nobody reads an unknown author until everybody else already has. And the closing section, "The Silver Keyboard," which abruptly stops joking: borrowing Fred Brooks' silver-bullet folklore, Steve makes the sincere case that there's no shortcut, no methodology that does the work for you — so pick up the keyboard, make every program the hardest you have written, never stop learning. And if your boss is a vampire, fire him.

Related listings

  • 2006

    Egomania Itself

    The middle of the Agile trilogy, two months earlier. Egomania Itself lands the magic trick; this post is the planned grand finale that wouldn't come together — so the trilogy ends, fittingly, unfinished.

  • 2006

    Good Agile, Bad Agile

    Where the arc began. Good Agile, Bad Agile is the argument; this post is Steve, three months and much commenter-fire later, trying and cheerfully failing to give it a tidy ending.

  • 2005

    Practicing Programming

    The Silver Keyboard section — do the work, make every program the hardest you've written, never stop learning — is the same advice Practicing Programming gives at length. Two statements of one career thesis: there is no shortcut.