I take it all back! Send me your money! — cover art: a panda holding a gleaming silver typewriter-style keyboard aloft like a hero's sword in a warm workshop.

2006 · Stevey's Blog Rants · Rant

“Essay Molasses is a time-delay on a meme that would otherwise spread rapidly, but because the idea is encoded in an essay from a relatively unknown author, most people aren't going to read it until it seems everyone else has read it.”
— From I take it all back! Send me your money!, December 2006
Read the essay

© 2006 Steve Yegge. Originally published at Stevey's Blog Rants.

Author’s note

This is the third and final post in the epic "Good Agile, Bad Agile" series. In it, I conclude that I underestimated how much money is in consulting, and decided I was going to go be a consultant after all. Amusingly, I took myself up on that offer, 20 years later.

I found this was a surprisingly good read for an alleged throwaway post. It unfortunately goes on way too long at the end, and skimming that part works as well as reading it.

But this is the first serious explanation I've given as to why my blog posts are all around the same length (later discovered to be 4k words). I call the phenomenon Essay Molasses. I have given justifications in other posts, too, but I thought this was one of the more creative ones.

This post is also where I tell the story of how I became famous essentially overnight in early 2006, but not for a single blog post. It was for all of them at once—all the Drunken Blog Rants from my Amazon days, which I had published publicly 6 months prior, and Reddit had just discovered. Fun times.

AI Notes

Written in one four-hour sitting over wine, right after a windstorm knocked out power in Kirkland for three days, and published with an apologetic author's note stapled to the top before anyone had a chance to complain. The Agile fragments are the advertised goods, but the digressions carry the post. One traces Steve's distaste for ceremony from First Communion through the U.S. Navy to the guy who cuts the ribbon at mall openings, and arrives at a definition — real ceremonies are unrehearsed and happen exactly once — that makes his allergy to stand-up meetings personal rather than procedural. Another gives the ungrateful flip side of Essay Molasses: once you're credible the delay vanishes, and anything dumb you say "will be all over the place in no time," which Steve offers as the reason researchers wrap their papers in tenfold disclaimers.

The wine is visibly winning by the middle ("You can really tell when the wine gets ahead of the writing. I'm telling you."), and the Agile material is honestly the weakest part: recycled jabs Steve concedes never jelled, though one of them arrives with a perfectly placed Homer Simpson line. Near the end he accounts for the blogging drought — a secret framework he's building to earn his keep at Google, plus a debt to the 50,000 players of Wyvern, his own game, offline the whole while. For a post that promises nothing, it leaves an unusually sharp picture of what Steve's first year of sudden fame was actually costing him.

Related listings

  • 2006

    Egomania Itself

    The middle of the Agile trilogy, two months earlier. Egomania Itself lands the magic trick; this post is the planned grand finale that wouldn't come together — so the trilogy ends, fittingly, unfinished.

  • 2006

    Good Agile, Bad Agile

    Where the arc began. Good Agile, Bad Agile is the argument; this post is Steve, three months and much commenter-fire later, trying and cheerfully failing to give it a tidy ending.

  • 2005

    Practicing Programming

    The Silver Keyboard section — do the work, make every program the hardest you've written, never stop learning — is the same advice Practicing Programming gives at length. Two statements of one career thesis: there is no shortcut.